


Strange Mirrors

by DontCallMeStraightOrCis



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: F/F, M/M, and the timeline is fucked but it's an au who cares, welcome to my au aka the listers have all the kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:14:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23735941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontCallMeStraightOrCis/pseuds/DontCallMeStraightOrCis
Summary: While exploring different dimensions to try and find any living human who can give them the XY chromosomes they need to have kids, Deb and Arlene come across a curious reality.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer, Deb Lister/Arlene Rimmer
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	1. It's the End of the World as We Know it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldn't think of chapter titles so they'll be the name of whatever song comes on while I'm posting them. enjoy the madness of the youtube curated playlist

Arlene was doing was what Arlene did best: panicking.

She was pacing around their room in her pyjamas, biting on her nails as she did so. Usually, Deb didn't mind the pacing. It gave her a variety of sides and angles to appreciate her wife from, but the panicking kind of ruined it.

Arlene was all tense muscles and skittish eyes, and Deb’s chest ached at the sight of it.

_ Aw hell _ , she thought _, she’s not gonna stop on her own, is she._ And so with a sigh, she sat up and cleared her throat. 

"Arlie, we're gonna find some guy, stop pacing and come to bed."

A broken sort of laugh leapt out of her throat, and the pacing got a little bit faster. 

_ Smeg _ . 

"But what if we don't?” Arlene asked. “A-And what if we do and the DNA won't work when taken to another reality? What-”

Deb sighed and slung her legs over the bed, padding up to her wife. She held her still by her arms and looked up.

Arlene’s hair had grown out since they started this, all other worries falling to the wayside as this consumed them. It curled around her cheek now an over her eyes, hiding her face away. 

Deb took one hand away to run her fingers through Arlene’s hair and stole a quick kiss. Arlene’s lips were still under hers, except for the occasional tremor.

Why do you always do this to yourself? 

Deb pulled away and focused back on the hair, pursing her lips. It was late and she could feel that ache build up behind her eyes, but if it helped, it’d be worth it. 

"Your hair's getting too long. Let me cut it for you."

Deb turned to get the scissors, smiling at the scoff Arlene let out. That was better, it didn’t sound as strained as her laugh had been.

"In case you've forgotten, Debbie, I'm a hologram. I don't need to cut my hair; I can just alter my projection."

Deb hummed in response.

It was true, but it was a nice habit they’d gotten into, giving each other haircuts. It was better than letting Kryten at her hair at least. She shuddered at the memory of the last Kryten Haircut she’d got; she ended up having to shave her whole head because of how bad it’d been, and she still had no idea how Kryten had managed that.

It would have been impressive if it hadn’t been her hair. 

She shook her head and focused back on her task. When Deb finally managed to find the scissors - god knows what they were doing in the fridge, maybe Cat had forgotten knives existed again - Arlene was sitting ridged on a chair, the vacuum conveniently placed beside her.

Deb rolled her eyes as she walked over. Like Kryten wouldn't sense there was a mess and clean it up before she could even touch the vacuum herself.

“How short you wan’ it?” She asked, running her fingers through the auburn hair before her. 

The curls seemed to wrap around her fingers, and she couldn’t help but smile at the slight staticky tingle that licked at her palm. She still wasn’t sure why Arlene’s hair of all places was a diamond mine of static, but she rather liked it. 

“Well? Are you going to cut it or just stare at it?” Arlene snapped.

“Jus’ tryna to see if it needs combin’ first,” Deb lied, “How short you want it?” 

“Regulation short.”

“You don’ have to keep it tha’ short you know, no one’s here to care.”

Not that anyone cared before, but Deb doubted Arlene would appreciate that.

“I am, and I do.”

“Alrigh’ love,” Deb sighed, “Now jus’ sit still…”

With every snip, Arlene seemed to relax just that little bit more. By the time her hair was up to eye level, she was slumped in her chair, humming quietly. 

Deb paused for a second.

It was probably a terrible idea to bring it up now and risk ruining the mood... but Deb figured most of her ideas were terrible and yet seemed to work out well, so why worry?

"It's not the end of the world if we can' find anyone," she said softly.

Arlene froze up.

"You want kids though."

Deb leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek, smiling when Arlene let out a sigh and relaxed again. There we go…

"You changing your mind?"

"Of course, not squire," she replied in a jaunty voice. "I-

"I won' be upset if you do. I'm happy just to be with you."

Arlene's face flushed a pretty pink, and she loudly cleared her throat. 

"Shut up you goit. What I was trying to say before _someone_ interrupted me, was yes. I-I want kids. Not as much as you, but... I do. And if we can't find anyone, I'm going to spend forever wishing we had."

“…Yeah me too,” Deb admitted, “But we’ll get through. We always do.”

Holly popped on screen for a second, out of Arlene's eye line. They winked and disappeared, cleaning up Deb's admittedly shoddy job, thank smeg.

Arlene nodded and brushed her hair off her shoulders.

“Deb…”

“We will, jus’ trust me, yeah?”

Arlene was frowning as she twisted around, pulling Deb into a kiss. It wasn’t quite a yes, but it was good enough.


	2. Take Me Home, Country Roads

Three weeks later, whilst Deb was in the middle of a curry and Arlene was complaining about said curry, Red Dwarf jumped into another reality. Another vessel containing life was found.

Cat was curled up asleep in the pilot seat, using her jacket as a blanket, Kryten was ecstatically cleaning up a bathroom, leaving no one to notice this. No one but Holly.

“This is Holly from the mining ship Red Dwarf, are you receiving me?”

A few seconds later a bland voice replied.

“This is also Holly from the mining ship Red dwarf. Are you sure you're Holly from the mining ship Red Dwarf?”

“Yeah, I am. We're from an alternative reality.”

“Oh, that makes more sense.”

“Do you have anyone on board with XY chromosomes?”

“We do.”

“Oh, good.”

Maybe he would finally have the time to finish his game of eye-spy with scutter number 43. It had been going on for six weeks now, and he still hadn’t managed to work out what on Red Dwarf began with I and had four letters.

“Your crew wanna come aboard?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool, come over.”

“Alright, we’ll be five minutes. See you, Holly.”

“See you, Holly.”

He popped over to a monitor near Deb and cleared his throat.

“And another thing,” Arlene was saying, “You need to stop leaving your socks everywhere, I’m sure I saw one tried to crawl away the other day.”

“Aw, come on, I’ve been getting better at it, haven’t I?”

Holly tried again.

“What's happening, dudes?”

Deb turned in her chair, frowning a bit.

“Yeah… something wrong, Holly?”

“You mean apart from the fact that we’re floating aimlessly in space, jumping across dimensions with an unstable machine stolen from a shipwreck, all alone, far away from earth, no crew, no sun, no purpose…”

Deb cleared her throat.

“Yeah, apart from that.”

“No, everything’s fine.”

Deb and Arlene shared a look.

“Right… so…”

“So?”

“You came here to tell us something, you glorified Filofax,” Arlene snapped, “Have you forgotten it already?”

“Oh, yeah. We’ve jumped into another reality with a nearby ship containing at least one crewmember with XY chromosomes.”

Deb’s jaw dropped and Arlene reached for her hand.

“You’re joking,” Deb said, voice breathy and quiet.

“No. We’ll be there in five minutes. See you, dudes.”

Holly disappeared.

There a moment or two of still, before Deb launched herself at Arlene, gripping on tight as she spun her around. Her chest ached in the best way as a laugh burst of her.

“Smegging hell!” Deb cried. “I told you we’d do it, I told you!”

“Oh my god,” Arlene gasped out, “Oh my smegging god.”

Deb pulled away for a second, cupping Arlene’s face in her hands and grinning so widely her cheeks hurt.

“We’re gonna have kids, Arlie.”

Arlene’s eyes were glistening and her smile was wide. Deb didn’t think she’d ever looked so beautiful.

“W-We don’t know-”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

For once in her death, Arlene listened and did as she was told.

“Really?” Cat complained. “I’m trying to do my ironing!”

Arlene pulled away scowling fiercely.

“Oh, shut up you mangy mog!”

The Cat, as always, was unimpressed and went back to ironing her suit.

“Oi, Cat, you comin’ with us?” Deb asked.

“To where?”

“To the ship Holly’s found; it got some other people on it.”

She looked up abruptly, a big toothy grin on her face.

“People? You mean ones I can have sex with?”

“Er, well, I guess tha’s really up to them Cat, but-”

“No,” Arlene cut in.

“Aw, come on, she only wants a bit of fun.”

“I’m not risking her leaving a litter of kittens behind!”

“…Cat, grab some condoms.”

“Wrow!” Cat cheered. “Alright!”

She scampered the room, but not before doing a small spin at the door and making another strange cat noise. 

Arlene scowled at Deb.

“Does she even know how to use them?”

“Look, let’s jus’ hope there’s a girl there for her to hit on instead.”

Arlene nodded and sighed. Then she looked down at her clothes and they changed into the-

“You’re not wearing the smegging admiral outfit there,” Deb insisted.

“I want to make a good impression!”

“I don’t think a ‘good impression’ is gonna really change whether or not someone there will be willing or rub one out for us. Besides, you looked fine in your normal clothes.”

“I’m not taking fashion advice from the woman who thinks Hawaiian shirts and leather jeans are a good combination.”

“You wan’ me to stop wearing the jeans then?”

“I didn’t say that!” Arlene said quickly, face flushed.

Deb laughed and gave a kiss on the cheek.

“You’re too easy, Arlie. Come on, let’s head down to Starbug.”


	3. Dog Days Are Over

When Starbug was finally out, flying towards the ship, Deb rubbed her eyes and blinked a few times too, just to make sure.

“Holly,” she began, “Is tha’…”

“Sure is,” Holly said, “Another Red Dwarf.”

_Well_ , Deb thought, _this was new_. In all their dimensions jumps, they’d never once come across another Red Dwarf, at least not one with any life on board. But Holly had said this one did. Who of the crew had survived? She hoped it wasn’t McGruder, Arlene still got testy whenever he was brought up. Or even worse, Kochanski.

She shook her head. Whoever it was, she’d take it. She _had_ to take it.

There was no one there to greet them when they set down in the other Red Dwarf’s landing bay. It looked almost exactly the same as theirs, though Deb would swear this Red Dwarf looked a little… newer. The lights shone brighter, there was less rust, and even their Starbug looked fairly new.

“This is too weird,” she muttered.

“Tell me about it,” Arlene muttered. She reached for Deb’s hand and held on tight. “Maybe this a Red Dwarf that never went through the radiation leak.”

“Nah, I don’ think so. I mean, there’d be other people here then, right’”

“Maybe there was something else that killed them all.”

“Not all,” Deb reminded her.

They had almost reached the door when it opened and they caught their first glimpse at the life on Red Dwarf.

A teenager, around sixteen or seventeen. He was tall, pale and slim with curly brown and sleepy blue eyes. His grin was lopsided, and he was slouched against the door, his freckled arms barely holding him up.

"Sorry," he said, "Me dad's are still asleep. Uncle Kryten's getting them up now though, so it shouldn' take too long. Oh, I'm Michael by the way, nice to meet ya."

His voice was soft and Scouse, and he moved out of the way so they could enter.

Deb swallowed back some questions and smiled, walking past him.

_Smeg, he better not be the only guy on board._

“Oh, hiya.”

Arlene seemed frozen, but seemed to snap out of it after Deb grabbed her arm and yanked her though the door.

"Wha's got you worked up?" Deb asked quietly.

"It's just that-"

"I'm guessing you’re Deb Lister and Arlene Rimmer?" Michael cut in.

Kryten and Cat shuffled in after them, and Michael quietly hut the door.

"Er, jus' Lister for both now. But how'd you know?"

"Me dads bumped into two versions of you a few years ago. It's how we got the twins.”

Dads, okay. Deb relaxed. That probably meant adults, very good.

“And your dads are?” Arlene asked.

“David Lister and Arnold Rimmer, alternate versions of you.”

“Holy smeg,” Deb gasped.

Talk about luck! Not only could they get the DNA they needed, but it would technically be from a Lister too!

“Agreed,” Arlene mumbled, jaw slack.

“This your first time meeting a different version of yourself?” Michael asked conversationally as he lead them down the hallway.

Now she knew there was a Rimmer onboard, it was easy to tell Michael was his kid. And if she pushed her mind to when her and Arlene had been going through old photos a while back, she would swear he had a very similar face and build to Arlene’s dad when he was young.

“No, we met an alternate Arlene who went by Ace.”

Arlene huffed loudly and rolled her eyes.

“Smarmy git.”

“Ah, yeah, Dad’s not the biggest fan of Ace either,” Michael snickered, “I don’ mind him really; he taught me how to shoot a bazookoid when he came round last.”

Arlene stiffened and yanked Deb lose to whisper harshly in her eyes.

“We’re not letting that tinfoil tart teach our kid how to shoot a gun.”

Deb rolled her eyes and shook her off.

“Yeah, alrigh’.”

That was definitely an argument for another day. The kid would need to learn how to protect themselves eventually after all.

“I must say sir,” Kryten began, “The ship is in marvellous condition! How on earth have you managed it?”

“Nano-bots.”

“Nano-whats?” Cat asked.

“Oh, here we are.” Michael opened a door and gestured them in. “We can wait for me dads in here.”

Shockingly, the Lister living room with as teaming with life.

A male Cat was lounging around, looking elegant but aged far older than their cat. He had a smaller cat, around six or seven, on his knee with light brown skin and fluffy blonde hair, playing with a piece of string the older Cat was holding. There were two more cats as well, one with pale skin and long brown hair who was leaning against an older boy with shaggy brown hair. Behind him was a human kid older than him, though far younger than Michael, with light brown skin and short black hair, who was scowling as he tried to tie the other boy’s hair back. Next to him was a boy was the same face, but long hair and hands paint-stained from the masterfully done squiggles before him.

“Well, at least we know the other me is fertile,” Deb muttered quietly.

“Meet the family,” Michael said, “Uncle Cat, twin with short hair is Jim, long hair’s Bexley, Luna is the blonde one, Sol the guy and the other one Peanuts.”

“Peanuts?”

“Apparently, it's a pretty common cat name.”

“Fair enough...”

“Just to check,” Arlene began, “they’re not…”

She gestured in Cat’s direction.

“Hu-? Oh no, they're not his. We found them in an abandoned ship about a year ago.”

Cat sighed quietly behind them.

“What am I supposed to do with all these condoms now?”

“I thought you said you’d always have a go with another you,” Deb teased.

“Listen, I don’t mind refined men, but even he’s pushing it.”

The Lister’s seemed mostly oblivious to their conversation, thoroughly wrapped up in their own little activities. Even Michael had wandered off to claim a part of the sofa for himself, and immediately fell asleep.

One of the family seemed interested though.

Peanuts had waddled over to them, looking up at Arlene with big hazel eyes. They made a few gestures with her hands and Arlene looked on helplessly.

“Uhh…”

“Oh!” Kryten exclaimed, pushing her aside to look down at the child.

“Watch it, bog bot!”

“Don’t worry, ma’am, I know sign language!”

“It’s my side I’m worried about, not that,” Arlene huffed.

“It’s a little bit rusty, but I should be able to understand it,” Kryten continued.

“Smeghead.”

Peanuts repeated the gesture and Kryten clicked her fingers. Or tried to at least. It was difficult to make the right noise with her boxy fingers.

“Ah! They’re saying hello and that they like your hair, ma’am.”

Peanuts nodded. And now happy that they’d got their message across, they returned to the sofa.

Arlene looked on for a second completely bewildered, before clearing her throat and nodded.

“Ah, well, good to see there’s someone with good taste here.”

Just as Deb let out a laugh, two men walked in.

They were old, not ancient, but clearly into their late forties or early fifties like the other Cat. Rimmer’s curls were all gone and turning grey, and both had more than enough wrinkles to go around, but they didn’t look half bad, Deb decided.

The man who had to be Lister was grinning, and Rimmer was a step behind him, squinting at them.

"Hiya,” Lister said.

Rimmer gave the gang a good look over, staying stubbornly silent. After a jab in the side changed nothing, Lister sighed and turned to them.

It was… incredibly off-putting, seeing another version of yourself, Deb decided. It hadn’t even been this weird with the Highs, or Lows or Ace. At least they’d all been the same gender and age.

“Sorry about this, but would you mind making your Rimmer promise she’ll keep her distance?”

“And why do I need to do that?” Arlene asked loudly.

“When we met another Arlene before, she was a bit…” He pursed his lips as he searched for the right world. “… Forward?”

“She was an oversexed gimboid who’d apparently never heard of personal space before,” Rimmer cut in.

“…Yeah.”

“Don’ worry,” Deb said, “I’ll keep her under control.”

She grabbed Arlene’s hand and held it up showing off their rings. Rimmer didn’t seem totally convinced, but he did take a step forward to stand beside Lister. Then he cleared his throat and put on an obnoxious grin.

"Arnold Rimmer, BSc-"

"They obviously know who you are, smeghead." Lister shook his head and smiled. "Sorry about him."

"Uh, none taken..." Deb said.

"So what you here for? Holly didn't say."

"Well, um, you see," Arlene began, tugging on her shirt collar.

"DNA,” Deb cut in.

It probably wasn’t a good idea to get _too_ blunt with so many children about.

"Ah," Lister said with a nod, "For kids."

“Yep.”

He let out a quiet laugh, shaking his head a little.

“You know, weirdly enough, you're not the first couple from an alternative reality to ask me for tha’.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, there was that reality with Kristine and hologram Lister, and last month we even had a Kristine and McGruder show up!”

Rimmer sniffed at that

“I don' know why you're still prissy about tha’,” Lister sighed, “you knocked up her in the end, didn' you?”

“I didn't,” he huffed.

“You did! And it was in this universe too, so bonus points for tha’.”

“It was that smarmy Nano version, not me.”

Lister rolled his eyes and turned back to the women.

“It's a long story.”

“We got time,” Deb grinned, “Let’s hear it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Michaels' from the Last Human novel and this was my attempt at shoving him in, hope you enjoyed


	4. Angel Eyes

“How the smeg did you manage to get laid in prison?”

“She’d always had a crush on him, for some reason-”

“Oi!”

“And thought the whole prison thing added to his ‘bad boy appeal’.”

Deb burst into laughter, barely avoiding spilling her larger all over herself.

“Oh my god!”

“Shut up,” both Rimmer’s hissed.

“Anyway,” Lister continued, “Like I said, she’d always liked him, jus’ never acted on it.”

“So why did she?” Deb asked.

“Cus I asked her to. Hoped it would shut him up for five minutes.”

“Did it work?” Deb asked with a smirk.

"Three. Then he spent an hour bragging about it to anyone who'd listen. And unfortunately, that was just me.” He shook his head and carried in speaking. “Anyway, she was up the sprout, gave birth, and then the ship starts falling apart. Our Rimmer as Ace swooped in and saved the ship, but by the time he did, everyone but our lot and the baby died. Nano Rimmer took up the mantle as Ace, and we all went back to normal... well, kinda."

Lister leaned over to kiss Rimmer who practically preened.

There was something strangely gratifying about seeing another version of them together, Deb felt. As romantic as she was, she’d never believed in soulmates, but this… it seemed to say to her ‘look, you’re meant to be together, see? Listers and Rimmers just are, that’s just how it goes’.

"We got together about a month after all tha',” Lister continued.

"Then the twin's happened,” Rimmer added on.

“And then the cats happened.”

“And the twins?” Deb asked.

Rimmer and Lister shared a look.

“An even longer story,” Lister replied.

“And not one you want to hear,” Rimmer confirmed with a grimace, “believe me.”

They fell silent for a moment, and Deb looked over to the kids. And Cats.

Their Cat was chatting to the other Cat, only pausing to glare when Bexley threatened to come close with his paint-stained hands. Jim was sitting on Sol’s lap, reading a book, while Sol read along… or tried to, by the looks of it. His face seemed caught in an expression of confusion. Michael was still fast asleep, Peanuts perched on his gut, following suit, and Luna was currently trying to crawl up onto Lister’s lap.

He chuckled softly and pulled her up, kissing her head.

Deb’s chest ached, and Arlene gripped her hands tightly.

“Alright my dudes,” Holly said, “The Krytens are just loading up the last of the supplies.”

“Supplies?” Arlene asked. “Don’t we only need… one.”

“It’s baby stuff.”

“I’m not so dumb that I-”

“I think he means stuff for taking care of kids, Arlie,” Deb cut in.

Arlene went red and looked away.

“Right. Thank you.”

“It's not for you,” Rimmer scoffed, “It's to make sure we can't have another one. I'm too old to be waking up at six am to feed a screaming child.”

Rimmer, you never got up at six to feed the kids. I was lucky if you got up when you was actually awake to feed them,” Lister argued.

Rimmer scowled and crossed his arms. Deb shot a look Arlene way. If she thought she could get away with not feeding the kid…

“W-Well, I'm over three million years old, milladdo! I need my rest, I can't be waking up at such early hours anymore.”

"You never woke up a six when you were alive! You always got up at ten and jus’ pretended you was up early!”

Arlene's ears flushed pink and Deb grinned.

“You serious? You used to do that?”

“Shut up!”

Lister laughed and shook his head.

“All Rimmer's do,” he insisted, “Even got Ace to admit it once.”

“Really?”

Rimmer and Arlene’s grin were both blinding, and terribly annoying.

“Yeah! Guy can wrestle an alligator with a broken hand, but can’t wake up before ten even under the threat of death.”

The two Kryten’s plodded in loudly and stopped by their table. The Krytens were almost identical, with only minor differences to their faces and a few scrapes to tell them apart.

“It’s all loaded up, ma’ams and sirs,” the other Kryten announced.

“There’ll be so much washing to do,” their Kryten sighed dreamily.

“Guess we better head off then,” Deb said.

She frowned a little, looking around the room.

Even though they were just different versions of them, it had been nice to talk to another living human being. Still, it would probably mess up all time and space if they stayed too long.

Lister’s smile was tight too as he nodded, scooping up Luna in his arms as he stood up.

“We’ll see you off.”

It was a quiet farewell.

The Lister’s hugged, the Rimmer’s saluted, the Cats flirted, and the Kryten’s exchanged cleaning advice. Luna got a kiss on the head from every member of the leaving party after some fussing, and then they were gone.

As they flew away in Starbug, the whole Lister family found their way to a window to wave them goodbye, and the girls form the Dwarf waved back.

“…Luna,” Deb said as their own Red Dwarf came into view.

“What?” Arlene asked.

“The baby. I want to call them Luna.”

“…Alright.” Arlene laced their fingers together, smiling softly. “Our little one will be Luna.”

Nine months later, the crew welcome a Luna Alexandrea Lister into the world.

And Arlene was, in fact, forced to wake up at six to feed him.


End file.
